The Highground Chronicles
"The Unbearable Loneliness of BEEing"
by Margaret Lion
Takes place late at night on February 19, 2006

* * *

So on the evening of February 19^th, when the duel was over and words had been spoken, Eleanor crawled, both physically and spiritually, onto her bed. She was too weary to even take off her dress and get under the covers. Instead she pulled a pillow towards her, wrapped herself around it and collapsed. She wept. Silently and deeply, wept.

Her dream, her Dream of equality for all fae was destroyed. She had nearly lost her barony and had been informed that she would be watched. For all intensive purposes she had been ostracized by the sidhe nobility. Her “peers” were probably now perched like hungry vultures ready to steal her home. The wrath of her Duchess, Verlayne, might even extend to throwing Eleanor out of House Eiluned. House, title, land all might be gone. But for the kindness of His Excellency, Eleanor would now be homeless.

But life is about balance and justice. What you do comes back to you three times over. Eleanor knew she also had herself to blame.

The sidhe nobility were terrified. They were facing war on all fronts. The feudal arrogance that they so blindly clung to was causing strife within their own homes. Petty jealousies and feuds were being rekindled and new ones created. And for what? For need of ego and power. All brought about by fear. It so resembled the U.S. mortals and their war for oil and riches in the Middle East. How could the sidhe, the ruling class, behave any differently than what the ruling class dreamed of in this land? With their fear, they would not be willing to share power with anyone else.

Eleanor’s chosen task had been to spread love and inspire hope – for both mortals and fae. Now she would be reduced to one of her greatest fears: Being nothing but breeding stock.

Whether Eleanor found a man to love or not was immaterial, she had Highground to care for and in order to keep Highground Eleanor needed an heir. Did she need to be married? It would be easy enough to bear a child without marriage. In fact, much easier. She would stop her birth control and continue to hold herself celibate until she knew if she needed a marriage ceremony to make her child “legal.”

It was unlikely that any husband would be forthcoming. Or rather a husband that the Ifflwyn nobility would accept. No. Verlayne had laid a perfect noose for Eleanor to hang herself. No one of the nobility would marry her as she was now a political liability. That plus her past self-imposed isolation made it impossible for anyone to find her a worthy wife. So without a husband, no heir. Thus she would lose Highground. She had always thought that with her luck she would have fallen in love with a Red Cap. Instead she had fallen in love with Aziraphale.

Aziraphale. How could she have been so stupid? Acting like a brainless sixteen year-old Fiona virgin. How embarrassing. Even more embarrassing and shameful to feel so heartbroken now that he had betrayed her. Aziraphale was the first man Eleanor had ever loved, had ever made love with. The first man she had wanted to marry and have children with. The first man she had ever wanted to be faithful to.

The passion and love she felt for him would never be returned. How could it? He did not remember Samhain. She had been a fool to treat him as though he remembered or even cared about such an event as lying in his arms and telling him over and over again that she loved him.

Perhaps Aziraphale had secretly hoped to take Highground from her. Perhaps he relished the opportunity to shame her to her then liege lady and tell Countess Wolfram-Smythe that Eleanor was behaving “beneath her station”. Perhaps Aziraphale should have been Ailil and not Varich, so cleverly and carefully did he lay plans and wait for opportunities. Jadeal could have taken lessons from him. For whatever honor Aziraphale had, or thought he had, it did not extend to anyone but himself and his master.

What was it about Highground that made everyone she had ever truly loved betray her?

Life had been so easy and joyous when Dom and Del were alive. Eleanor could be the regal Saintly Baroness and then in the comforts of her own home with her beloved friends who felt more like her own flesh and blood she could relax. They spent their evenings curled up together on couches watching TV and eating popcorn and making fun of the injustice that the nobility placed upon other fae and themselves. “We are the ruling class!” Eleanor would shout. “Why then do we only make rules that hurt ourselves!?” Dom and Del would laugh and pat her on the head and say “there, there” and they would go out the next day and treat all as equals and –

Dom and Del. And Damien, their child. Her friends, her family. Her heirs. Her shields against a loveless marriage, against needing to breed, against despair, against loneliness.

Eleanor caught her breath. That was it. Loneliness. She had been so desperately lonely after the betrayal, so lost. She had not realized how since last March she had been wandering throughout Muses trying to recreate her Highground “family”. That had been her downfall and weakness. She had felt so comfortable and loved in Muses. It had been such a relief to just be herself. “You are a free spirit” Vladimir had said to her. Without Dom and Del the free spirit had flown for all to see where before the shield of the Saint, her seelie side, had kept it hidden. In some ways, the inner Beast had run free. She had not been as a true Eiluned. She had let herself, her inner self, out. Time to cloak her once again.

She would survive. She had the heart of a lion and a valkyrie’s soul. She was resilient and she would persevere no matter how long it took. For too long had she taken the taint of Samhain with her and spoken her mind and acted freely. No more. She would once again be the proper Saint. She would once again stand at a distance and radiate grace like a shield around her. She would have no friend to go home to, no “family” to comfort her, and she may never find her “family”, but Eleanor would survive. So would her dream. Be it take a thousand years, it would happen.

Highground had been, no, was HER paradise. One day it would be again. Enough of wanting what she wanted, time to want what was needed for Highground and the survival of the fae.

After all, what is loneliness compared to making the world a better place? What is love for one person compared to the Universal Love felt for all? What is despair, when one inspires hope?

Eleanor slept.